The Hitcher...

*Ring…ring…ring…*

“Hi Emma! It’s me Christina.”

Christina. I can always tell when she’s smiling when she calls and this is one of those times. Christina is the younger sister of Eleanor, A.K.A. Elzilla, a friend of mine.

“Did I wake you up?”

“No, I was just lying down.”

Yes, she woke me up. I lied and said I was just laying around embarrassed at the fact that it was close to noon, and I was still asleep.

“Well, I just called because I wanted to see if you still wanted to hang out today. Remember? You asked me early in the week if I wanted to hang out.”

“Oh yeah…Yeah. I want to.”

“Okay well how about this. You call me back when you are finished ‘lying down.’

I called her back maybe ten minutes later. We decided to meet up for lunch and go shopping for some workout clothes for her…Some random shit for me.

We ate salad. Shopped at the Galleria. Then headed over to Eleanor’s.

Christina: Oh no that man isn’t hitch hiking. Look at him, he’s hitch hiking.

I turn my head to the right and sure enough there’s an old man. I think he’s Jewish and he’s got his arm out and his thumb raised. He looks over at us.

Christina: Should we give him a ride?

At this point I think she’s joking.

Me: I don’t know? Do you want to? Let’s give him a ride but I have to sit in the backseat, he can sit up here with you, and if he tries anything I’ll punch him in the back of the head.

Christina: NO! He can’t sit up here with me! Should we ask?

Me: Yeah let’s ask, but IIIII have to sit in the back just in case he tries anything. I can punch him in the back of the head. You know, donkey punch his ass.

Christina: SHOULD WE?

Me: Uh, yeah. Let’s.

Christina: Okay, roll down your window.

I roll down my window and proceed to scream out, “Heeey baby.”

Okay, no I didn’t.

“HEY,” I say. He walks over to our car.

Christina: Where are you headed to?

Jewish Hitcher: Over into Cambridge.

Christina proceeds to tell him that she doesn’t know how to get to wherever he’s going and he asks where we headed. We tell him where and he says his destination is on the way.

Christina: You know, we’re not suppose to pick up hitch hikers.

He looks at us, looks to the ground and shrugs, 'yeah, I know.'

Christina: Okay, get in.

He tells Christina to grab her purse from the back and sits in the seat to the back of me.

“I can’t believe we’re doing this,” I think to myself. I WAS SUPPOSE TO SIT IN THE BACK. I CAN'T DONKEY PUNCH HIM ON THE HEAD IF I'M SITTING IN FRONT! The ride was a little uncomfortable. He starts asking all sorts of questions. I really didn’t answer them. Christina basically gave her SS# (jk). The entire time I thought, ‘oh man, I can’t believe we’re doing this,’ especially with the field I’m in. He had carried two brown paper bags into the car and my body froze when I heard him ruffle through them. I kept picturing him pulling out his pud, or pulling out some heavy object outta the bags to bash our skulls in.

I had my left hand balled into a fist, my right hand holding my cell phone open, ready to dial. Finally...finally, we arrived at his house.

PHEW! He left wishing us a Happy Chrismahanukwanza and also saying something like us giving him a ride was one of the perks of living in Boston. Christina and I took a deep breath and we were like, "Oh man, I can't believe we did that."

Christina: But you know, I feel good about myself. We did a good thing.

Me: Christina, I can't believe we did that. But yeah, I feel good..........

............I still can't believe we did that!

Silence.

Christina: Don't tell Eleanor.